Monday, January 05, 2009


It was a very vivid dream and I woke up troubled and a bit scared. Where did all that come from? Dreaming of cheating on my ex who I broke up with a year ago, with my most recent very transient "flame". And then worrying about my ex finding out and killing us both...
I know I have feelings of guilt about my ex and this guy as well. I broke up with the former after 4 years of blissful togetherness, for very legitimate reasons, but without any forewarning. It was the distance, it was the culture, it was the unspoken wounds. As for the latter, our affair is just not politically correct. It's hush hush. It's mysterious and bizarre. Yet I could've made it right, but I never wanted anything more from him, I never strived for a real relationship because I can already see the end result. And so we kept it at igniting the flame every once in a while.
And so to go back to my dream, it was very real, very upsetting, I was trying to find a way to get out of the house with the other "cheater", to escape the wrath of my ex whose anger did use to scare me in real life. I thought I was over this. I thought I felt bad for him now rather than feeling anxious. I need therapy. As for the other one, I know where the guilt comes from because as exciting as it is to keep something quiet, there still is a little voice in me, wanting everybody to approve of my actions.