Pinch Me. I'm Human.

L. was asking me about one of my previous relationships as she was trying to draw similarities between her current one and mine, in an attempt to elucidate what might become of her and her boyfriend. You see he's not Lebanese, he lives abroad where they met before she moved back to Lebanon for good, and he will be coming to see her in Beirut, in a few days. Just like you and me. Just like us, a year ago. But that's not the point. The point is, as a matter of fact, a general feeling of disbelief and jadedness as to how I could have forgotten all that happened so easily. I'm not sure why and how, I'm really not...

And as I sit and wonder, was it because it was time? Was it the distance? Was it the natural course of things that only a step back was able to achieve? Was it the fact that I got distracted by peripheral events? Was it?...

I just wonder how affectionate and sentimental of a person I can actually be if I was able to throw away four years of my life just like that, with no regrets. I'm not sure what to think of this, that exact feeling of nothingness that I felt when my grandfather passed away, that complete disregard. It scares me...

It even makes me wonder about the times when I really felt passionate and emotional enough to notice. Was it only because I wanted to attain my goal? Was it pure ambition or were there any sentiments involved whatsoever? Is that why I lost interest in some instances where I was actually capable of reaching my target? And will I ever have genuine vulnerable feelings?...

Bliss on Corniche.

The Peace and Quiet of a day at the beach. This little gem, more so a diamond in the rough, is the AUB Beach. And, while in the area, this blogger had the opportunity of stealing a couple of precious hours to lay in the sun, turning from side to side, listening to music, going in for a dip, nothing out of the ordinary, just pure decadent laziness.
What's nice about the AUB beach is how accessible it is, AUB students and staff can go in anytime and they can bring guests, so keep your swimsuit in the trunk and whenever in the area go down for an hour or two.
--Beach Goers Frolicking in the Sun.
Expect to be greeted by fishermen, some foreigners (exchange students) and a few kids learning how to swim. But mostly, expect to savor the un-pretentiousness and simplicity of this place that has been able to withstand the rapid and disproportionate glamorization of Beirut. Here you come to tan, swim, fish, read. Champagne bottles not allowed.
--AUB Beach on a Background of Ain El Mreisseh.
One of the fishermen actually spent four hours on the same chair in the exact same position waiting for providence. Ah the good life. The tranquility. The Bliss.
--The AUB Fisherman.
I secretly wondered what was going through his mind.

Teaching Rounds 101.

So what have I learned about the First week of rotating in the hospital as a Third Year Medical Student?

I've learned that Interns and Residents will want to do anything to keep the hierarchy and thus will occasionally act as your superior to remind you that even though you're just as old, and maybe even slightly more informed about a particular disease or another, they can still get you in trouble if they feel like it.
On the other hand, they can just as well be extra nice and invite you over to their On Call Room when on duty, an offer you should politely decline if you don't want to end up standing awkwardly in the farthest spot you can find, giving a talk about your critically ill patient while the resident is laying on the bed, and you poor helpless medical student, you keep imagining him playing with his toes while trying desperately to withhold hysterical and uncomfortable bouts of laughter.

I've learned that you never know who your Patient will turn out to be. And even though you should treat all of them equally and professionally, you will eventually find out that you should not be using a systematic approach, and not only because of that oath of empathy and sympathy that you pledged (and earned a pin for doing so), but because they might turn out to be enriching to your social and communal network of interesting people you stumbled upon.

I've learned that Nurses seem to be doing all the work and having the most exposure with the patient, so you'd better stay on their good side. That is of course besides the fact that they know the ins and outs of the hospital, along with when and where free food is served. They will also keep your belongings safe, especially in a hospital where not even a private locker is provided to you, regardless of the hefty tuition you're coughing up.

I've learned that the Attendings are, up until today June 23 2009 at 8.17 pm, the friendliest in the food chain and the most accessible. I document this impression thoroughly and with the utmost precision, because I have a feeling this finding might change in days to come. Nevertheless, attending physicians seem to be seeking medical students to bestow upon them all the knowledge they have acquired and some extra rewards like freshly picked berries, (thank you Dr. WGF).

I've learned that in the Operating Room, anything goes. I have yet to witness the urban legends about physicians throwing scalpels at students and residents, but I have already heard them shouting for no particular reason and making sure everyone in the room understands that they are the Kings of the castle, the Lords of the domain, the Alpha and the Omega, although they will be all smiles and winks once out of their scrub suit. So if you have a beef with your resident and you're desperately seeking revenge, follow them to the Operating Room, you can be sure they will get yelled at, at least once, even if their performance is fairly appropriate, it never seems to fail.

I've learned that the constantly lauded and stressed upon Ethical Behavior seldom leaves the classroom. And the lower your rank the more conscientous you are. I will not generalize, but Yes, physicians disclose full medical and social histories in crowded elevators, with names and family members mentioned. Yes, they mistreat OutPatient Department patients (as opposed to private ones). Yes, they will keep the patient for an extra day or two in the hospital if insurance covers their stay. Yes, they will fail to adequately scrub in risking nosocomial infections during an operation. Yes, the most famous ones are the ones who might be a pure source of revenue for the hospital rather than diligent physicians. Yes, some deaths can and should be avoided especially with infection control.

I've learned that I love medicine. I love clinical practice. Heck, I even love surgical procedures although I was very skeptical about the latter to start with, seeing how I hated the Anatomy course, and my surgery summer elective in Barcelona. (Which might be explained by the lack of proper communication, since for some weird reason, Catalans have taken it upon themselves to refuse to master proper English).

I've learned that your most potent tool is People Skills, People Skills, People Skills. Whether you are communicating with the resident, the intern, the attending or the patient.

I've learned that the best communication should be among your group members to keep a unified front and a consensus regarding sharing tasks and responsibilities.

I've learned that I have yet to Learn, that this is only the Beginning, so Here's to Medical School and to a successful Medical Career. Chin Chin and Salute.

A New Episode. A New Chapter.

A New Episode:
Tomorrow night (Thursday June 18, 2009) at 7.30 pm. Catch the Flying Kebab team and their loyal (even though somewhat recent) fans at Kababji on Bliss Street in Hamra, for a screening of the Third Episode in the Kebab Saga, and a Brazilian male duo singing Fairuz? (not sure if they will deliver on that, and frankly not even sure I want them to). If you can't make it, watch the Third Episode Online.

A New Chapter:
So much to rant about! This humble blogger has moved up in the world of Medicine and is now a certified paperwork filler and filer in the American University of Beirut Medical Center (or AUH), otherwise known as a Med III Student. Ok, so let's bask in the glory, I have patients! And yes, I am part of the Medical Team that roams the corridors of a 10 stories high hospital, occasionally with high heels. I will be tackling this subject a bit more seriously in the next few days.

--Actual Depiction. True Story.

Of Listening and Lessons Learned.

When you decide to listen closer and deeper, just listen, you can't help but realize how much people actually talk about themselves and complain about everything else. And then when they ask you, two hours into the conversation, how you're doing, you can only reply with "Everything is fine"...

I am truly grateful for my blessings. And the biggest one of all: Satisfaction, Fulfillment, Contentment...

Of Shifting Dullness and Passion.

Et si l'homme de ma vie n'est plus l'homme de ma vie?
I saw him yesterday, and it wasn't about me being awkward, just like I always am when I meet someone I haven't seen for a while. And it wasn't about me not having the chance to talk to him because it's a relationship based on secrets and forbidden pleasure. And it wasn't even about us not finding anything to talk about or a chance to connect. But we didn't. We didn't connect. There it was, an infatuation that lasted for years was reduced to a mere trivial conversation between two old acquaintances...

I remember sitting in Cheers once, writing him cryptic messages on a 1000 Lebanese Lira bill and then him replying, right there, in front of everyone, with a little heart at the bottom, and then posting it on one of the columns at the bar, as it was the norm back when Gus was in charge of Cheers, for everyone to see and no one to understand...
I remember sitting in Torino, sending a message to his phone "Je te regarde et je t'admire" and then hearing him claim that the best thing a relationship could have is admiration, with a sensual smile and a light touch over my hand...
It was all so unorthodox, how our surroundings were in complete blindness as to the love story and the courting that were unfolding right in front of them. It was so exciting as if we needed that extra spice, always, as if we could not pursue a normal and healthy relationship. Not me, Not him. Definitely not together.

And so here I was yesterday, sitting in Gemmayzeh, teasing him with a faint smile and a fake declaration that of course I think about him every night, and emphasizing that if I said "night" it is because feelings are just so much more powerful at that exact moment. But it just didn't feel the same, yes the rush was there, will anyone understand our innuendos? Will we get to tease each other so freely yet so secretively? But it seemed fake, as if what we were looking for was this mere excitement by itself.

Gone are the feelings that I would give up anything for this man and this relationship. He has fallen off his pedestal. And I wonder why. Is it time? Is it that he changed? Or maybe I did... Do I even remember how he was? The little details? He's still as charming, but now with a hint of fakeness, with a hint of conceit. Maybe he's trying too hard, maybe the reason is the country that he lives in, maybe I just couldn't see it before? Or maybe it goes deeper, does it reflect his current state of mind, his unhappiness?

He never fails to mention how unhappy he is, how he doesn't know what he's looking for or where to look for it, how even though everything is clearly at his disposal, he just can't feel this contentment that he seeks so badly, how he could blame the shift in his lifestyle and his habits, and how he could blame me. But, when too much drama is going on in my own life, when the cycles keep coming back even more viciously than the time before, I imagine myself shaking him senseless and telling him to wake up to the reality of things and to appreciate what he has. Le mal de vivre is just that, c'est un mal de vivre, and if one wants to LIVE this life, the job doesn't matter, neither does the position nor the lifestyle, it is only your perception of it. It is how you can get satisfaction in the smallest things...

And then I remind myself that yes I am one to talk, I might be just as submerged in this spleen and melancholy if one drags me in. But that's just it, I'm not in it. I don't want to be. I am happy. With all the tragedies around me, I have been able to find serenity, and so I cannot understand him anymore and I don't want to because what is the point of self pity and drama? So maybe l'homme de ma vie did not change but one thing is certain, l'homme de ma vie n'est plus l'homme de ma vie. Ma vie a moi.

Point and Cry.

What difference does it make now to say I told you so and to gloat in poetic justice? You proved worthy of your misery!

Civic Civilization. Time to Be The Change.

Yes, I'm a member of the Free Patriotic Movement, casually known as Tayyar in Lebanon. The platform for Tayyar in the Lebanese Elections of 2009 was Change and Reform. And it was about grand time! Unfortunately Tayyar will not be able to implement its reform in the way it intended, seeing that the opposition was not able to secure a majority in parliament but hopefully the elected ministers and Michel Aoun, the party's leader, in particular, will be carrying on with their functions and their responsibilities towards the Lebanese people, as part of a National Unity government.

Now the bigger question is why did the results turn out as such? I will not be discussing the International and Local pressures on voters and the change in the geopolitical situation, nor the use of fear tactics against other Lebanese factions such as Hizbullah, nor the unexplained huge increase of Hariri voters in Zahle between 2005 and 2009, nor the fact that maybe Aoun aimed too high. No, I will be discussing the civic aspect of things, the Lebanese population itself. And are we really ready for change?

As a young blogger who has lived abroad, I must say I have seen the difference between civilized and unrefined. And as hard as it is to admit to a Lebanese who prides herself in her country and her heritage, we constitute the latter. This revelation was late to come to me, because I mostly did not want to admit that the flaws in this glorious country of ours, in this piece of land I have had the most destructive and passionate relationship with, in this nation over which I have cried so many times and still do, the flaws are based in the population itself. I'd rather blame the politicians and I have done so for years now, but it's about time to admit that although people are not getting their full rights, far from it, they are partially to blame.

No, not all generations, the younger ones especially those 35 years old and less, are more open to reform. (Thus the FPM following is mostly youth.) But the majority of voters is still composed of these generations that have lived through wars and chaos, these generations that take it for granted that they need to bribe someone or carry a wasta here and there, these generations that think getting in line is for sissies, these same generations that are sick and tired of this country and want change but expect change will start from the politicians that they keep re-electing rather than from stopping at a red light without throwing a fit.

Civic duty in Lebanon is almost completely absent and negligible. And here lies your problem. Yes our politicians are corrupt, yes we can do better, but do we deserve better? What if better comes along and hits you in the face and you still do not vote for that new leader with progressive ideas and efficient representatives. What if you actually force him to remodel some of his ideas to your archaic liking?

I do not like FPM for the love of Aoun, unfortunately although he lived abroad and he has tried to apply revolutionary principles in a country in desperate need of change, he too has been remolded to become a Christian leader who prides himself with za3ameh over a specific faction, he gets angry and shouts, he criticizes the opposite side instead of trying to work out their differences. He is your typical older generation. Regardless, the man is a visionary and this unfortunately quite standard Lebanese behavior at times does not exclude the fact that his ideas and followers do represent reform and righteousness.

But who are you trying to convince of change? Is it the 300 or so ladies crammed in a school hallway with barely any oxygen left on a Sunday morning to cast their votes while they shout at each other and try to cut in line and create new nonexistent lines ignoring the officer's plea for a quiet democratic process. These ladies are us, they are our mothers and aunts, they are a generation that will be hard to break, that will be hard to change. Is it the officer himself whose duty is to answer to your complaints but he'd rather walk away, without acknowledging that a citizen is desperately trying to talk to him and asking him to do his job? Is it the representatives of the political parties who start shouting at voters because how dare they suggest to them to file complaints with the respective departments, what are they traffic officers, God Forbid?!

The older generation seems hopeless, those who are handing over a country that they reduced to shambles are still to blame for the slowing of reform in Lebanon, so take your corruption and decay and step aside for a new order to come. Let's not ruin our chances to have more civilized generations, let's start by reforming the education system and let's inform people of their civic duties and the necessity to follow the rules. My vote is in, yes fix the Country but mostly fix its People.

What's Cooking?

The results of the Lebanese Elections favored the current leading majority: the March 14 camp. What does that mean? Are Lebanese actually satisfied with the status quo?

Moreover, what is really cooking behind the scenes? Are new alliances being prepared? When being asked about the loss that March 8 seems to have endured, Walid Khoury mentions how the phase of March 14 and March 8 is now over and that it might not be a loss after all, with the new alliances that are to be formed and the new political scene that needs to be established.

I must say I personally hoped for a change, a change I have awaited for years. And I saw it coming this time. And it seemed like my last chance at happiness in this country, it seemed like I put everything in that ballot, all my hopes and dreams because I truly believed in change. I did. But then again, maybe now I will have nothing to lose when I leave the country once more in a few years. Or maybe not? Wa Ma Adiaka L3ayshou Lawla Fous7ati lAmali...

I will be on the look out these few days for new developments and maybe a clearer picture.

Roller Coaster Lebanese Elections.

Maybe I should be talking about the Elections. I can easily say I haven't discussed anything else today, in the 18 hours I have been awake and on the ground. But sitting here, now, at the end of this extremely eventful day, I almost have nothing else to say...

But I felt it all : The excitement at dawn as if it were Christmas morning. The frustration in getting to the ballots on time. The big grin on my face when I saw the turnout at 8am. The exasperation with having to wait in an uncivilized manner for more than two hours right in front of the voting station. The anger and resentment towards members of the Internal Security Forces. The praise of Ziad Baroud, Minister of Interior, and of members of the Lebanese Army.

--Lebanese Army, Sassine, Ashrafieh.

Hunger. Food. Going back to the ballots and helping people in the voting process. Making rounds in Ashrafieh (Beirut 1), Mansourieh (Metn), Beit Mery (Metn), and the central office for FPM. Getting Information. Giving Information. Good news. Call, Spread, Rejoice. Bad news follow almost immediately. Feel crushed, uncertain and mostly sorry for this country. It's 7pm, choose a place to meet up and discuss the minute to minute results. Start with Metn. Ibrahim Kanaan's office or what is called "The White House" in Jdeideh. Lovely atmosphere, people cheering and drinking champagne. FPM shall win 8 out of 8 seats.

--The White House, Jdeideh.
--Lovely Ladies and Champagne Bottles.

Rumors start flying that people are celebrating in Ashrafieh too! Let's go check. 20 minutes later: Ashrafieh. Issam Abu Jamra's office. FPM seems to be leading the polls.

--Early Results, Ashrafieh.

I turn my head, for a few seconds and look at the screen again and O rage! O desespoir! the opposite list is now leading all 5 seats in Ashrafieh. We leave. Almost get crushed by a Kuwaiti 4x4. I drop some friends home. Who needs the uncertainty and edginess of Ashrafieh? Let's go back to Metn where the win is certain! Driving back to Metn, I get one of the last phone calls of the day, (and these amount to more than ninety back and forth, you're welcome Alfa), the voice on the other end of the line says to me "Don't bother coming to Jdeideh, the situation doesn't look good". Hang up. Wonder what or who to believe. Go back home. Try one last time to get some good news, call Beit Mery, they are still counting votes, nothing is certain. Park the car. The night looks just as tiring as that endless day. Make some more phone calls to try to understand why the results on Tayyar.org keep fluctuating. Not much to say here. Writing this while people cheer outside. Fireworks and all. Probably coming from the Aaley region. They seem pretty confident. At least they wonder no more. Finishing up this Elections blurb, getting another phone call claiming that FPM lost Ashrafieh and that the other camp is already celebrating. Nothing is certain yet. Nothing. Decide to sleep on it.

--Election Memorabilia on My Thumb.

All in all, I'm glad I voted, I'm glad I was able to exercise my right in a peaceful manner, even if the process and the small infractions got frustrating at times. Here's to a day that started with an optimistic outlook and an eagerness to represent only to end with uncertainty and semi-satisfaction. I voted. I hope you did too!