...

Where is my happy ending?

Ni vu, Ni entendu, Ni connu

C'était il y a 10 ans, un peu plus, un peu moins. Elle était en troisième et elle se croyait toute puissante! Et voilà, il y avait un programme télévisé duquel elle voulait faire part avec ses amies, les noms lui échappent, l'image est trop floue mais elle se souvient très bien de son proviseur qui lui repondit : "pour vivre heureux, vivons cachés". Elle ne l'a jamais remercié, au contraire elle s'est sentie indignée!! Comment se fait-il qu'une école aussi moderne pouvait avoir des idées tellement archaiques. Jamais elle ne pourrait s'épanouir dans un tel environnement!
Mais maintenant, 10 ans plus tard, elle se souvient toujours de ce proviseur, de ses paroles, de ses cheveux ébouriffés, de ses lunettes des années 60 et elle le remercie quand même. Elle est fière d'être qui elle est, grâce à son école. Mais surtout surtout, elle comprend comment "pour vivre heureux, vivons cachés"

Parallel Universe

She has a friend who she talks to once every year, very randomly, usually by email. She holds on to this friendship dearly and appreciates it for what it is. She was never close to this person in the commonly approved sense of the word, they barely hung out if ever, they barely spoke face to face or on the phone but they both know that they're there for each other.
When he sent her a message to meet her for the first time at the place they think brought them together without their knowledge, she was there without questioning. When later they decided to meet again and then lost contact she welcomed the unfolding of events, also without questioning. This is how it's meant to be and she's glad they both see it this way.
She likes to believe that they live in parallel universes, she never wanted the two worlds to collide and neither did he because then it would just ruin the whole friendship. She mostly believes that they understand each other beyond words and societal standards. Their relationship will never be defined and this is the beauty of it.
Today she will remember that person and send him an email. Just because.

You stop and shoot...

When everything you have to say boils down to a single picture...

My view of Lebanon: the Haifazation of Um Kulthum
My love for art and graffiti
My love for Hamra
My wawa, wishing you would kiss it away...

BOOM!

And then when you least suspect it, life takes an unexpected turn and you're left wondering how to reassess everything in light of the changes that have come up! You cannot grasp all the angles at once. You try. You want to control the situation and not let it get to you but how? You can't ignore it, it's stronger than you, it's haunting you and those who know, and those who will eventually find out... It will leave an impact on anyone who dares to look inside, it's real life! So you blog about it? Is that what it means to you? It's an opportunity to write? No. You just feel compelled to tell the subject of your thoughts, even though he/she might never read this: I love you, for the wonderful person you have turned out to be. Hush...Hush now, everything will be ok in the morning...

Of societies and conservatism...

She remembers a time when she was asked, not so discretely, if she had a tampon to lend:
-No, but I have a pad if you'd like...
-A pad? No! they're too bothersome, you still use pads? how archaic!
Flash Foward two years later, (today), she's shopping for her good ol' pads at her regular "hypermarket" (since in Lebanon a supermarket is barely up to par, and so you wonder what's in a name, and you then wander into the semantics of nightclubs, supernightclubs and supersupernightclubs but I digress...) And so she's in her hypermarket and she checks the tampons "collection" and to her surprise there's only one kind, in a somewhat sketchy cardboard box. What's the point you ask?

The great U.S. of A vs. the Hyper Lebanon societies:

On one side you have a society where girls are overpowered and so they will shout on the streets that they're pms-ing and that they use tampons and who needs a man anyways?
On the other side you have a conservative society where girls are all virgins (or appear to be) and they're all too scared to use tampons whether because they're truly virgins and misconceive tampon usage or because they're just too scared/ashamed to reveal that they're not virgins to begin with... And so there's no market for Tampax, Playtex, Ohne Binde... But you can bet money on finding a whole two-three shelves for Always with wings, ultra, fresh, overnighting... BUT, still still you need to be extra careful when you buy your pads because God forbids a man sees you carrying them! And yes believe it, the first thought that will come to mind is: "she has her period, how disgusting!"
And so we delve into a slightly off topic rant: Why is it that in Lebanon a woman who has her period is considered sick? "yiiiii sorry sakhneh, je peux pas nager!" (translation: "yiiiii sorry, I'm sick, I can't swim!") It's a regular physiological response, albeit annoying at times, but it's a sign of good health and fertility! Oh no she can't fulfill her wifely duties! she's sick...
Long story short, as part of the medical team, I prefer pads because tampons might cause toxic shock syndrome and tend to be less hygienic if not removed constantly.
However, however, it seems like a futile and mostly personal issue to choose between pads and tampons, and women should have the option to favor one or the other, but to the day, this is not the case in Lebanon and this by itself is a reflection of a very complex, hypocritical society where women are still second class citizens.

Quand Julio le dit mieux que moi:

Mes souvenirs,
Nos souvenirs sont des photos,
Des mots sans avenir.
Tu es si loin,
Tu es trop loin. Tu ne pourras
Jamais me revenir.

Je t'aime et te déteste,
Puis je t'aime et te déteste, puis je t'aime...
Toi la haine et l'amour...
Tu danses, danses, danses, danses dans mes nuits
Et danseras toujours.

They're not watercolor!

-You're lucky to have any memories at all.
-Huh?
-Yes, even bad memories. You're lucky!

--No, because I don't want to remember...
--Actually, No because they're not memories yet, they're still alive, they're still feelings and they still hurt.

A message to Sarah Palin

Please SARAH

1927-2008

He's dead. He's my grandfather and he's dead. There's no point to talk about his life, he did it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. And now he's gone. But it doesn't end here. How horrendous can death get? Once you get that phone call, do you think you can sit and grieve? what about the paperwork? the cemetary plot? the church? the body? What do you do with the body? It's at home, you can smell the stench, you need to move it to the morgue waiting for the family to proceed with the funeral. He's dead. He's a body. Nothing more. When you forget about your own grievance and torment what stays is a mere carcass. That person that you had your own opinion about, that you interacted with is now an insignificant entity. You need to dress it, move it, parade it and bury it never to see it again. It's final, you erase that little incident and then you just keep the good memories, because then again what's the point in remembering the bad and the ugly?

Dazed and Confused

-Ce type de roucoulements, c’est prénuptial ou postcoïtal ?
-Et ta connerie ? Elle est congénitale ?

-Le Fabuleux Destin D'Amelie Poulain

Pandora's box

When memories resurface.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

It's been a good week. I thought I should put that in writing to remember. It seems that I will finally settle down without having to settle for less. It's been a long and hard road with a stressful 500 sth days. I love it!

posted by overandout at 6:13 AM

I've blocked it out for too long. My past life. Abroad. And here it comes back as I go through previous posts.

Thursday November 9, 2006, her heart skipped a beat when she read the email she had received from NYU Medical School for an interview. Here it was. Her plan unfolds. She remembers coming back from the Shake Shack that day on Madison Ave and 23rd street. The burgers were amazing, the milk shakes even better and the setting ah the setting! Madison Square Park. Yes New York is everything they tell you and even more! But She felt the tension. It was coming from her. She was unsure of her future. He tried to calm her down. They lived a carefree life. But when push came to shove... And then she went back home, with him. And as she was checking her email here it was.

Dear Applicant:

At the request of the Committee on Admissions, we are pleased to invite you to interview at the New York University School of Medicine. You may interview on a date between Monday, November 13, 2006 and Friday, December 1, 2006.

She was lucky to get an interview so early on! It was a shoe-in.
And then what? She kept adding mistake over the other. She wouldn't stop. Last she remembers was her going down Madison Avenue seven months later, walking past the Shake Shack, a one way ticket in her hand.

And she seems to be waiting for that day where she will look back and see why fate decided so.

Bittersweet October

Now that I think of it, I used to defrost frozen bloody worms in my microwave to feed my fish.
Since then, the fish has died. I replaced him without telling my significant other. And eventually we broke up.
I loved that fish. Yes they say a fish has a memory of a few minutes but that never stopped me from believing that he was greeting me everytime I came in through the door and that he was doing a special dance everytime I came close with worms or dry flaked food.
He was a fighting fish. Oh so appropriate to his rightful owner.
He died while I was changing his water. Some say I killed him.
And yes I did replace him, I did go from petco to petco to find the exact same look-alike and cover the crime. The one in Union Square with the cats up for adoption and the horrible smell of pet food, the one next to NYU Medical Center on my way to work on 2nd Avenue and 34th street. The one somewhere on the upper east side. My memory is starting to fail me. But I miss every bit of it. all of it.
The second fish was just as entertaining. Even more aggressive. More of a fighter. But he died too. He stood still in his plant for two days before I noticed.
No, I do love pets. I've always wanted to adopt a dog or a cat. I was going through the procedures had I stayed in New York. It's all a blur now. A defense mechanism established by my subconscious. And I let go.
It's all so bittersweet. And it's over. I had to leave. And I just wish I had someone to blame for this...

Maybe you are. Maybe you're not. But you might as well for how much I already hate you for it.

Summer Nights

It was August 21st, they were sipping on their drinks in Pacifico. There was noise around them but she didn't care. She didn't know why but there she was, with him again, hanging on his every word.
He: Are you going to miss me?
She: (with a faint laughter) I don't know. If I do I will let you know.
She was being honest. How was she to know then and there what she might feel once he's gone? He wasn't as honest. But then again he never was.
And so he said: I will miss you. Believe it or not I will miss you.
She: I believe it.
She lied. She didn't believe it. Not because she didn't trust him, which she didn't. But because you don't expect to miss someone. You just do.
And so here I am today, I miss you.

and then what?

I always said someday you wouldn't know what to do.

not when you die...

sooner

Waterlemon at night

He looked at me and said: I want to slap her.
-WHY?
-Look at her, she thinks she's all that, she's just like the rest of the flock. I want to slap them all!
And so I looked. She was your typical Lebanese girl, with the make up and the walk and the looks. Ah the looks.
-And what next?
-Then she'd start running...
He paused. He let me picture it.
-Running?
-Yes coz then she would've realized how ugly she really is.
And for him ugly is a metaphysical word... it encompasses every human vice possible.
-HUH?
-Yes imagine her running away from herself, and she keeps running, and running. She can't stop, she has to escape. She's conscious now and she can't handle it.

Waiter: Are you ready to order?

And in other news.

I'll teach you to be happy. I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!

Steve Vaught

I remembered the fat man walking today. Steve Vaught. He walked across America but yet when I look at the pictures he looks the same. Shouldn't he have lost weight doing all this effort?

Large Hadron Collider destroys God by accident

In the News

It's finally here!

That feeling you get when you achieve something. It's here. I found it. Ever since I was a kid I used to ski down the slopes of mzaar in faraya and I would scream my lungs out "I am the queen of the world!". I had forgotten about that little incident and now it came back to me. Granted I was in the car, not running down a snowy hill. It's summer, 30 degrees out. But I felt it. I was the queen of the world again. Not any world. My world. And that was enough. I'm taking control, I'm taking over.
I drove from Hamra to Jounieh. Aimlessly. I was happy. The roads were empty. The music was loud.
I smoked a cigarette. I had to. It was most appropriate. Cliche. But most appropriate.
And then it hit me. What was I looking for before today? Why was I not in control? Is it because I was waiting for other people to make me happy? Is it because I knew that for the next three years I'm set and settled in med school? How come I always wanted my friends around? I lived alone for 4 years and I loved it. What changed? control. This is what changed. 4 years abroad, the world was mine. I was able to be who I want how I want where I want. This is harder to achieve in Lebanon. You are confined in a circle of friends and family and they know you, they expect certain things and you play their game. You put on the mask and it sticks. It becomes part of you. You run to them when something goes wrong. What shall I do now?
And then it hit me again. That person I've become was everything I was running from! I might not have found myself yet, who ever does? but I know one thing. if I want to start I need to do it on my own. and so it's launched again, my via dolorosa. I had stopped to smell the roses and they stunk. only because I was not in charge of my senses. I was the image they all wanted. It was a great one. It gets boring with time because it's empty. It's funny, it's lively, it's witty. But it doesn't last. It's good for a saturday night, or not even. it's more a sunday evening. That day you go to the mall to have coffee and chitchat and act all giddy and funny as if there's nothing in this world that could stop you from not caring.
I want to care. I want to feel the responsibilities. Because I want to take control and it's here I see it. I am the queen of the world!

Recreational Fun

So my hairdresser is my guilty pleasure! he massages my head somewhat inappropriately and tries to hit on me in between blow dryer strokes and yes it could get uncomfortable trying to dodge all the innuendos but it feels good to go in feeling like hell and go out feeling pampered as hell.

Ramadan Karim

it took me 20 minutes from hamra to mansourieh! Long Live Ramadan!
it took me 3 coffees and a redbull to get through the day. it's only 5.20.
it took me a year and six months to get over you. but damm am i over you now! welcome back.

day 2 was fine. tried studying but alas!
my mom calls upon me to show me a series of black dresses which she intends to buy if her father dies. and then people wonder why i'm emotionally challenged.

here's looking at you kid.

August 29, 8.15pm. this sounds promising. here's to new beginnnings. I have been struggling with an issue for more than two years now. I can't even remember when it started but I am taking over today. we'll see how it goes...

I want to at least be able to document the day it ended so here goes:
5th day of med school. I felt I was in sixth grade. the teacher gave us cookies! and then we each had to introduce ourselves. so much for progressive curricula!
yesterday i decided to indulge myself with some chips and ice cream while watching citizen kane. I am still deciding whether i liked it or not. the methods of filming were exceptional. the plot on the other hand... loss of innocence so what? maybe we're so used to blockbusters and twists and turns that nothing phases us anymore. it just seemed too obvious. too dull.
so what about now? it's now 8.39pm. run lola run. now that's a movie. oh what if...

I've been to the moon and back and I still think of you... with more resignation. but you're here and i still wonder why.

Selective Memory

And life picks up and you forget what you were fighting for. Who you were fighting for. You look back at the pictures and you say to me: it seems like an awful long time. Doesn't it...

Hey Dorothy! You're not in kansas anymore.

I was looking at you walking away.
Turn back! I wanted to scream. I couldn't. Why would I?

Nothing wrong.

It's been a while and then it all comes back. You feel the emptiness. The need to scream it. The need to organize your life without even knowing why or what for. I've gotten there because of the situation maybe, because of the unexpected changes in such a short time. I'm surviving though. Not because I'm such a heroine but because things aren't that bad. I just want to get over the emptiness. I've said it before: I like having someone in my life. A significant other. Just for the fact that I'm a giver. That's a nice way to put it. I don't need someone in my life. It's actually a conscious decision. That someone doesn't even need to be a serious significant other. Just someone to feel the urge to go see or call or wonder what he's doing. Anyways, this is what's missing now. What's also missing is the sense of where is this going? where am i going? no direction whatsoever. This is understandable. I have no goal for the next three years but to finish medical school with the least inflicted self harm possible. And so my life is pretty much set. And it sucks. Not as much as not knowing what to do next coz God knows I've been through that and it hurt. A lot. Yes it taught me the most important lesson that I pride myself in knowing and it is CARPE DIEM. Can't say it enough. so anyways why am i ranting? I want to find 43 things to do. Not just to put them on the according website (and that would be 43things.com) but to feel like there's something to do. My problem now is satisfaction. I'm satisfied with everything and I don't care. I really don't. I wasn't like that and I know partly why I have changed. But it's a double edge sword because you risk feeling the emptiness. Ok so everything is fine. Borderline Indifference. Ok enough with the ranting. Let's get down to it.
1-Quit. This will need a thoroughly thought out plan.
2-Retouch my tattoo.
3-Talk on the phone less.
4-Love someone. cautiously.
5-Bond with my parents again.
6-Dance.
7-Organize my pictures.
8-Study better.
9-Volunteer in research.
10-Dance in the rain.
11-Go to Jbeil Port at night.
12-Take more pictures. Maybe even do a project.
13-Email lost contacts.
That's about as far as I've gotten now. To be continued I guess.
It must be a blessing to feel good and satisfied. It's not just because I'm satisfied but because there's nothing I can do about it. I feel it's a defense mechanism as to think that there's nothing to change anyways. I can honestly say that I am at that point where everything is fine. Partly because they are. Partly because there's nothing I can do about it. Partly because I have learned not to care as much. Fatal combination? Can't confirm.

To G.

I'm happy that you died without having to see this. Maybe the last thing you had said to yourself was: this is for my country. Well here it is your country. Shattered again. You couldn't do much. You fought because you were told to. But you believed in it. You thought you will solve it. and then you died. and then they soiled your memory and that of all the others no matter what religion or party they belong to. the war came back to haunt us. your efforts gone to waste. sorry on behalf of those who sent you to your death. those you decided it wasn't worth respecting.

and so you sit in and get opinionated.
and so i do too.
i'm sorry for your death.

nothing

its only midnight. ive been up all day. it started pretty smoothly. I actually went for a small ride in a friend's car and we had a man2ousheh. yes there was the occasional soldier who looks fifteen and who's playing with his rifle in the middle of the road. yes there was a scary silence on the usually busy streets of suburban beirut. no i wouldnt risk going to hamra, the heart of beirut. who could get in anyways? and then it happened. what happened? nothing. this is my life right now. nothingness. im empty. just like beirut. it hit me. not even the war could phase me right now. i just read a sound grenade was thrown in as of yet 12.13 am a peaceful area in lebanon. and somehow this adds to my nothingness. no one knows where we're going. thus no one can convince themselves of what to do with the situation at hand. i was never patient. one of my biggest flaws. it cost me many opportunities in my life and i still haven't learned. and so to wait for things to happen. things out of my reach. to just surrender to this complete void. it's hell. and yet im still one track minded. im still focused on the same thing. ive drained myself and the people around me. i have turned whatever good i had into hell. i'm bored. i know people are dying. i know my misery doesnt even compare to what others might be going through. i just dont want to wait anymore. i hate it.

We're at it again!
May 08, 2008.
Mini?? war started.
Roundup:
Me: home, bored, frustrated.
No idea if I have anymore classes. Ok maybe I'm being a tad dramatic but the roads are closed and my school is in the middle of the action.
Friend 1: living in shoueifat, he's the head of a family of 4. doesn't know if they should leave or not. Not even thinking about school for now.
Friend 2: happy he's leaving the country in a couple of months. That was a sign from God. Why would anyone stick to this country?
Friend 3: stuck at home in nweiri and taking pictures of gunmen. Has just heard that a neighbor of his tried to get out of the area, they beat him up and he returned with an open skull.
Friend 4: stuck in lebanon because the airport is closed. and so he can't go work on a project assigned to him for three months abroad. what's more is that he's currently stuck at work. scared shitless of leaving because of gunmen everywhere.
Friend 5: stuck in dubai. he was supposed to come to lebanon for the weekend after a long stay abroad where he's depressed.

Confidential. Classified.

I have to admit he's too cute! so yes mistakes can turn into blessings. so yes change is sometimes good. I guess one shouldnt be scared of change it could always bring good and not just because you get used to it, which has always been my theory, but also because you wouldn't know what you're missing unless you try it. so do and regret or regret for not having done? again and again... no answer to that!

change your perspective

Love the exotica ads!


Knock her out. Knock her off. Knock her up.

i'm tired...

what does it take to be a man? do you have to seek approval from your surrounding especially the opposite sex to feel that you are successful enough in the dating game? can't you just feel satisfied and content with yourself and what you have achieved? yes i am targeting you, i am attacking you. Not because it bothers me. it actually doesn't because i understand where it's coming from. but because it lowers your shares, it could also lead to a potential drift. I will not keep looking to attract your attention. and once i stop will that be the end of it? will that mean that you will look for it elsewhere? do you really seek it so badly? is it a strategy to feel important and appreciated? grow up. you are loved and appreciated. you have friends and a significant other. you can always pick up the phone and someone will answer. i will not make you run after me. i will not be in the pool with all the others and have you notice me. pick me pick me! no. only because i belittle such behavior. there are too many fishes in the sea and if you don't want to get fished out too soon remember that you need to enjoy it while you can without having to look elsewhere. and this shall apply to your lifestyle regardless of your relationships. GET SATISFACTION ALREADY! you make it or break it. hit away.

Scramble!

-Quarter year resolution.
-Get off your high horse already. yes you're trying to make a good first impression. yes it comes naturally because you've been trained again and again. but isn't easier to have a good first impression ABOUT people? try it. maybe you won't be so bitter. Let go!
-Let go again...
-Shake Shack...
-Marie ou Marilyn?
-Self timer. Ticking bomb.
-Make new memories.
-Wish they're not memories.
-Put alcohol in your coffee mug.
-Keep the skeletons in the closet. They stink. What were you thinking?
-Do and regret or regret for not having done?
-Feel sorry. How condescending is that? What else can I feel? Compassion? Is that more politically correct?
-What will not kill you will make you weaker.
-Polaroid.
-Crepitations. Fire? Lungs?
-...T...
-I will be the end of me. resolution again.
-And again.
-Restaurant Week New York City
-Improv' Lebanon
-NYC condom
-The N train
-The L word
-The N word. Michael Richards.
-Michael C... my second crush.
-Or was it the fourth? fifth?
-Framed picture. Lost picture.
-Couch. I miss my couch.
-Why feel sorry? NO. It was a long time coming. Yes it was nice. Yes it was real. But who's to say what's real when everything else around you was fake? Who's to know when it's just a game for two?
-Fear yourself. You make it or break it. Believe in yourself. For how long?
-Tic Toc...
-And so I wave again. Tata!

The uncommon man!

Aren't they all...



This is NOT a playmobil!

on the twelfth day of christmas!

on 7/22/06:

12 days ago: wake up at 11am, whine about getting up, whine about having to take yet another summer course. Call parents, ask for money, fight with parents over who should've won the world cup. Check the news, the gossip pages. Go to class and plan a nice evening out, go out, sleep at 1am.

today, yesterday, the day before, tomorrow...: wake up at 6 am, get up to check the news hoping today is different, feel lucky and guilty of being able to actually attend that summer course. Dial parents' number hoping this time it'll go through. fight off the tears when hearing parents' voice. Check the news again. and again. Go to class and think of what route is faster to get home and check the news again. Stay in, get obsessed over lebanese websites, sleep at 3am.

I CAN'T GET NO SATISFACTION!

does anybody have it figured out i wonder. what happens when you do? do you die in the following 5 minutes or so? is it only when you reach your death bed and you KNOW you can't achieve anything anymore that you convince yourself that you're satisfied with the way things worked out? is it some kind of survival strategy or never ending ambition? or is it just unsatisfaction? plain and simple. let's see you're unsatisfied so you strive for more so it's a good thing. but then how much more? when is it enough? why go through it all? if you cant even get the feeling of satisfaction? no i will not settle for less even when im knocked down. but what does that say really? it's supposed to be a good thing but it will never make anyone happy. what matters really? isnt happiness? so what if you re not the best out there? will you ever be? who decides? who put the standards? why not enjoy what you have while you have it? why not strive to keep it the way it is? it's a vicious circle. you have more than the next guy but it's not enough. and no it's not about the money, not even about the social status. not even about anything really. it's looking for self satisfaction and thinking that you will achieve it by achieving your goals, in the immediate and not so immediate future. dont you get it? once this is done, or even while it's being done you have something else to plan. something bigger, something harder. don't look for satisfaction. live it. feel it. enjoy it. you've come this far. congratulations. look around. LOOK. who's the ultimate role model? is he satisfied? Look again. no dont settle for less. just enjoy what you have. every minute of it. it's precious. it's your life. it's your dreams. you're living them. it's not your fault. you were just born in this world. that's the way the story goes. you have no choice.
born in this world... what will i tell the little kid who will be born soon? that he was a mistake? oh he's a blessing. i forgot. you tend to forget. but then again who decides? who establishes right and wrong? mistake or not? social standards? i think it's a mistake. you think otherwise. so what now? will i burn in hell? where is that again? do you go up or down? left or right? is it a mistake because it will change the way things are. and things were fine. or is that the blessing because they will be better. huh? of course you will convince yourself of such. you dont have a choice. again. no it's not your fate. it's you coping with your mistakes. and it's a good thing. but dont say it's a blessing. not now. not yet. you can't be satisfied just yet. you have a few more things to achieve and then you can think about it. but it's just a few years really! oh you've been actually telling yourself this for a while now? you thought you will get there with your first goal? think again. but this time do not think of when you will get there or how. think of what is there? what defines it? maybe it's here. right here. waiting for you. watching you leave. oh you're doing this so that here can actually approve. so you can actually approve of yourself. here is fine with the way you are. here wants you to be too. because here knows that if you're not happy now you never will be.
not when you get to your presently set goals. coz then you need to start a family. not when you get one. coz then you need to care for your unborn children. no not even when you do that. coz then you need to worry by proxy. and then it's too late. they're married and safe but you're old and shriveled. nobody cares anymore. not even you. did it have to take you sixty years or so? did you have to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel? you're DEAD. CARPE DIEM. NOW.
it's ok. it really is. just dont get too comfortable. apparently you can't or won't enjoy the feeling. WHY? really why?

Music in the holE

Thou shall not cave... although it looks like such a sweet surrender.

gemmayzeh at night

and so he says to me: " how come the police men are wearing gray army uniforms?" that's when I knew that he will never understand Lebanon. why? I couldnt answer his question and I never even thought about it. it was all so natural to me. and here we are again, a world apart.