nothing

its only midnight. ive been up all day. it started pretty smoothly. I actually went for a small ride in a friend's car and we had a man2ousheh. yes there was the occasional soldier who looks fifteen and who's playing with his rifle in the middle of the road. yes there was a scary silence on the usually busy streets of suburban beirut. no i wouldnt risk going to hamra, the heart of beirut. who could get in anyways? and then it happened. what happened? nothing. this is my life right now. nothingness. im empty. just like beirut. it hit me. not even the war could phase me right now. i just read a sound grenade was thrown in as of yet 12.13 am a peaceful area in lebanon. and somehow this adds to my nothingness. no one knows where we're going. thus no one can convince themselves of what to do with the situation at hand. i was never patient. one of my biggest flaws. it cost me many opportunities in my life and i still haven't learned. and so to wait for things to happen. things out of my reach. to just surrender to this complete void. it's hell. and yet im still one track minded. im still focused on the same thing. ive drained myself and the people around me. i have turned whatever good i had into hell. i'm bored. i know people are dying. i know my misery doesnt even compare to what others might be going through. i just dont want to wait anymore. i hate it.