Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Nothing wrong.

It's been a while and then it all comes back. You feel the emptiness. The need to scream it. The need to organize your life without even knowing why or what for. I've gotten there because of the situation maybe, because of the unexpected changes in such a short time. I'm surviving though. Not because I'm such a heroine but because things aren't that bad. I just want to get over the emptiness. I've said it before: I like having someone in my life. A significant other. Just for the fact that I'm a giver. That's a nice way to put it. I don't need someone in my life. It's actually a conscious decision. That someone doesn't even need to be a serious significant other. Just someone to feel the urge to go see or call or wonder what he's doing. Anyways, this is what's missing now. What's also missing is the sense of where is this going? where am i going? no direction whatsoever. This is understandable. I have no goal for the next three years but to finish medical school with the least inflicted self harm possible. And so my life is pretty much set. And it sucks. Not as much as not knowing what to do next coz God knows I've been through that and it hurt. A lot. Yes it taught me the most important lesson that I pride myself in knowing and it is CARPE DIEM. Can't say it enough. so anyways why am i ranting? I want to find 43 things to do. Not just to put them on the according website (and that would be but to feel like there's something to do. My problem now is satisfaction. I'm satisfied with everything and I don't care. I really don't. I wasn't like that and I know partly why I have changed. But it's a double edge sword because you risk feeling the emptiness. Ok so everything is fine. Borderline Indifference. Ok enough with the ranting. Let's get down to it.
1-Quit. This will need a thoroughly thought out plan.
2-Retouch my tattoo.
3-Talk on the phone less.
4-Love someone. cautiously.
5-Bond with my parents again.
7-Organize my pictures.
8-Study better.
9-Volunteer in research.
10-Dance in the rain.
11-Go to Jbeil Port at night.
12-Take more pictures. Maybe even do a project.
13-Email lost contacts.
That's about as far as I've gotten now. To be continued I guess.
It must be a blessing to feel good and satisfied. It's not just because I'm satisfied but because there's nothing I can do about it. I feel it's a defense mechanism as to think that there's nothing to change anyways. I can honestly say that I am at that point where everything is fine. Partly because they are. Partly because there's nothing I can do about it. Partly because I have learned not to care as much. Fatal combination? Can't confirm.