Saturday, September 13, 2008

It's finally here!

That feeling you get when you achieve something. It's here. I found it. Ever since I was a kid I used to ski down the slopes of mzaar in faraya and I would scream my lungs out "I am the queen of the world!". I had forgotten about that little incident and now it came back to me. Granted I was in the car, not running down a snowy hill. It's summer, 30 degrees out. But I felt it. I was the queen of the world again. Not any world. My world. And that was enough. I'm taking control, I'm taking over.
I drove from Hamra to Jounieh. Aimlessly. I was happy. The roads were empty. The music was loud.
I smoked a cigarette. I had to. It was most appropriate. Cliche. But most appropriate.
And then it hit me. What was I looking for before today? Why was I not in control? Is it because I was waiting for other people to make me happy? Is it because I knew that for the next three years I'm set and settled in med school? How come I always wanted my friends around? I lived alone for 4 years and I loved it. What changed? control. This is what changed. 4 years abroad, the world was mine. I was able to be who I want how I want where I want. This is harder to achieve in Lebanon. You are confined in a circle of friends and family and they know you, they expect certain things and you play their game. You put on the mask and it sticks. It becomes part of you. You run to them when something goes wrong. What shall I do now?
And then it hit me again. That person I've become was everything I was running from! I might not have found myself yet, who ever does? but I know one thing. if I want to start I need to do it on my own. and so it's launched again, my via dolorosa. I had stopped to smell the roses and they stunk. only because I was not in charge of my senses. I was the image they all wanted. It was a great one. It gets boring with time because it's empty. It's funny, it's lively, it's witty. But it doesn't last. It's good for a saturday night, or not even. it's more a sunday evening. That day you go to the mall to have coffee and chitchat and act all giddy and funny as if there's nothing in this world that could stop you from not caring.
I want to care. I want to feel the responsibilities. Because I want to take control and it's here I see it. I am the queen of the world!