Selective Memory

And life picks up and you forget what you were fighting for. Who you were fighting for. You look back at the pictures and you say to me: it seems like an awful long time. Doesn't it...

Hey Dorothy! You're not in kansas anymore.

I was looking at you walking away.
Turn back! I wanted to scream. I couldn't. Why would I?

Nothing wrong.

It's been a while and then it all comes back. You feel the emptiness. The need to scream it. The need to organize your life without even knowing why or what for. I've gotten there because of the situation maybe, because of the unexpected changes in such a short time. I'm surviving though. Not because I'm such a heroine but because things aren't that bad. I just want to get over the emptiness. I've said it before: I like having someone in my life. A significant other. Just for the fact that I'm a giver. That's a nice way to put it. I don't need someone in my life. It's actually a conscious decision. That someone doesn't even need to be a serious significant other. Just someone to feel the urge to go see or call or wonder what he's doing. Anyways, this is what's missing now. What's also missing is the sense of where is this going? where am i going? no direction whatsoever. This is understandable. I have no goal for the next three years but to finish medical school with the least inflicted self harm possible. And so my life is pretty much set. And it sucks. Not as much as not knowing what to do next coz God knows I've been through that and it hurt. A lot. Yes it taught me the most important lesson that I pride myself in knowing and it is CARPE DIEM. Can't say it enough. so anyways why am i ranting? I want to find 43 things to do. Not just to put them on the according website (and that would be 43things.com) but to feel like there's something to do. My problem now is satisfaction. I'm satisfied with everything and I don't care. I really don't. I wasn't like that and I know partly why I have changed. But it's a double edge sword because you risk feeling the emptiness. Ok so everything is fine. Borderline Indifference. Ok enough with the ranting. Let's get down to it.
1-Quit. This will need a thoroughly thought out plan.
2-Retouch my tattoo.
3-Talk on the phone less.
4-Love someone. cautiously.
5-Bond with my parents again.
6-Dance.
7-Organize my pictures.
8-Study better.
9-Volunteer in research.
10-Dance in the rain.
11-Go to Jbeil Port at night.
12-Take more pictures. Maybe even do a project.
13-Email lost contacts.
That's about as far as I've gotten now. To be continued I guess.
It must be a blessing to feel good and satisfied. It's not just because I'm satisfied but because there's nothing I can do about it. I feel it's a defense mechanism as to think that there's nothing to change anyways. I can honestly say that I am at that point where everything is fine. Partly because they are. Partly because there's nothing I can do about it. Partly because I have learned not to care as much. Fatal combination? Can't confirm.

To G.

I'm happy that you died without having to see this. Maybe the last thing you had said to yourself was: this is for my country. Well here it is your country. Shattered again. You couldn't do much. You fought because you were told to. But you believed in it. You thought you will solve it. and then you died. and then they soiled your memory and that of all the others no matter what religion or party they belong to. the war came back to haunt us. your efforts gone to waste. sorry on behalf of those who sent you to your death. those you decided it wasn't worth respecting.

and so you sit in and get opinionated.
and so i do too.
i'm sorry for your death.

nothing

its only midnight. ive been up all day. it started pretty smoothly. I actually went for a small ride in a friend's car and we had a man2ousheh. yes there was the occasional soldier who looks fifteen and who's playing with his rifle in the middle of the road. yes there was a scary silence on the usually busy streets of suburban beirut. no i wouldnt risk going to hamra, the heart of beirut. who could get in anyways? and then it happened. what happened? nothing. this is my life right now. nothingness. im empty. just like beirut. it hit me. not even the war could phase me right now. i just read a sound grenade was thrown in as of yet 12.13 am a peaceful area in lebanon. and somehow this adds to my nothingness. no one knows where we're going. thus no one can convince themselves of what to do with the situation at hand. i was never patient. one of my biggest flaws. it cost me many opportunities in my life and i still haven't learned. and so to wait for things to happen. things out of my reach. to just surrender to this complete void. it's hell. and yet im still one track minded. im still focused on the same thing. ive drained myself and the people around me. i have turned whatever good i had into hell. i'm bored. i know people are dying. i know my misery doesnt even compare to what others might be going through. i just dont want to wait anymore. i hate it.

We're at it again!
May 08, 2008.
Mini?? war started.
Roundup:
Me: home, bored, frustrated.
No idea if I have anymore classes. Ok maybe I'm being a tad dramatic but the roads are closed and my school is in the middle of the action.
Friend 1: living in shoueifat, he's the head of a family of 4. doesn't know if they should leave or not. Not even thinking about school for now.
Friend 2: happy he's leaving the country in a couple of months. That was a sign from God. Why would anyone stick to this country?
Friend 3: stuck at home in nweiri and taking pictures of gunmen. Has just heard that a neighbor of his tried to get out of the area, they beat him up and he returned with an open skull.
Friend 4: stuck in lebanon because the airport is closed. and so he can't go work on a project assigned to him for three months abroad. what's more is that he's currently stuck at work. scared shitless of leaving because of gunmen everywhere.
Friend 5: stuck in dubai. he was supposed to come to lebanon for the weekend after a long stay abroad where he's depressed.